Evening baths to morning showers

I stood there staring at my face in the mirror wondering what just happened here. A moment ago I stood in the shower preparing for a day at work. Without any notice at all I found myself standing on the other side of the shower curtain while my little man happily took my place under the warm flow of the water. As I listened to him behind the curtain, chatting to himself, singing, my heart swelled with both pain and pride. Is that possible? To feel such an overwhelming feeling of sadness right along side a beaming sense of pride?

He peeked out the side of the curtain and smiled at me, scrubber in hand. I smiled back, my bottom lip quivering slightly. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to wrap his little wet body into my arms and beg him to stay small. Just for a little bit. I wanted to plead with him to still need me.

As I overcame the shock, I continued to dry my hair and realized that this is in fact a good thing. My little man is becoming independent just as I want him to be. My heart may want him to need me forever and ever but my head wants him to be confident in his abilities on his own. This is how it begins. Every step into independence he’s taken so far has made me unbelievably proud, but every time my heartstrings are pulled along with the pride.

It feels like it was just yesterday that I sat beside his little incubator vowing to fight with him every step of the way. Yet somehow I blinked my eyes and he’s gone from bedtime baths with his batman to morning showers on his own. His determination makes me so very proud. This is how I know he’s going to be successful. He is never going to rely on someone else for anything and my job now is to encourage him to become more and more self reliant.

While every day I shed a tear for the baby that I’m losing, my heart also grows in pride watching him become a wonderful little boy.

I’m keeping the promise I made him just days into our journey together, I will continue to fight with him every step of the way. It’s just that now I need to start doing that from the sidelines.

Every single day he takes a tiny step away from me but then, in a moment of tenderness, he will lay his head on my shoulder during bed time stories and remind me that he will always be my little man. For the rest of our lives he will always be my little man.

 

 

My post Blissdom Bliss

I’m sitting here 2 days post-bliss with thoughts, ideas and inspiration running through my mind at warp speed. I’m exhausted. Suffering from a blissdom hangover. Both physically and mentally wiped. I have lists of notes that I want to pour over ignoring the outside world focusing only on this creative fire that’s burning within me. Unfortunately my family will not go for me locking myself away for any long periods of time and as wonderful as my experience was I missed them like crazy, so I’m trying to bask in my kids kisses for now.

I don’t think I could begin to tell you what the best part was for me. The info sessions were beyond anything I ever expected. I was a little iffy going in because I wondered just how much I could actually learn in such a short time. Can I just say that I think what I learned is life changing?

I walked in apprehensive and feeling like maybe I was in over my head. I walked out feeling confident that my dream is absolutely something tangible for me.

More importantly I was inspired. The speakers made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a while. They made me feel passion for what I do. They pushed me to take a risk and recognize that I am capable. While listening to them speak I wondered if I am always being the best person that I can be and I don’t think that I am.

There were moments in each talk that sat with me for many reasons.

One of the biggest eye openers for me was during the talk about social media etiquette and kindness. I realized there are many ways to bully people. They aren’t all obvious and I think without even realizing it I have allowed myself to be bullied. One of my big takeaways is that “Only those who are hurting hurt people”.  I have spent so much time and energy fighting meanness with anger. Let me make it clear that I will no longer do that. I’m putting down the tug of war rope.  I will try my best to fight negativity with kindness. If Glen Canning can do it then I sure as hell can. His story made me weep and opened up my heart. Those who don’t think much of me will longer be my inner voice. Not everyone has to like me or like what I do. What matters is that I’m happy with who I am and what I do.

It’s difficult to pinpoint one singular moment that impacted me in a life altering way because there were just so damned many of them. However, I will single one moment out right now. A line in @schmutzie’s power talk.

 “It is not a failure to be in the middle of your story”

The path I took has led me down many roads. Some were unexpected, some dead ends forcing me to turn around, some were long winding uphill treks, but they have all landed me right here where I am today. I have many more roads to take, many more forks to come to. Those who have made my journey more difficult by trying to dim my star know who they are just as those who have helped light my way do. I’m incredibly grateful for both because they each play their role in my travels and in giving me the motivation to continue on my path.

 I’m simply in the middle of my story and only I have the power to write the end.

How my path to Blissdom began with my children

I’m full of a nervous anticipation. I’ve been on a journey and thanks to my two beautiful children I’ve ended up right here. Anxiously awaiting my first Blissdom conference.

A couple of years ago my love of writing was reawakened. Shortly after Ms. J was born I realized that I was not over what happened with Mr. T. I hadn’t let go of my guilt, my anger or my fear that we would face another health scare. I did not own my feelings when it came to our experience and instead felt like I didn’t have the right to feel the way I did because it could have been worse. I knew deep down that I had to do something or else I was going to get lost in this abyss of post traumatic stress. Out of my agony a blog was born.

My blog was my own personal therapy:
http://wp.me/s1oMIA-11
http://wp.me/p1oMIA-y

It was magical. All of a sudden the pain that I carried around began to loosen its grip on my heart. The memories remained and will always be a part of who I am, but I was able to move on. Writing about it saved me. It made me a better mother and a better wife. I stopped living every moment in fear. I realized that I would never be the woman I was before my children came into my life and that was ok. I don’t know if I had forgotten about my love of writing or if life had just swept it under the rug but it was back baby and I felt great! Writing was the only thing that had the power to calm my racing mind.

It was last year that I first heard of Blissdom and to be honest it never occurred to me this might be an event that I could and should attend. I didn’t place myself on the same level as the bloggers who were attending. Who I am to go to a blogging conference? I had convinced myself that I wasn’t really a blogger/writer and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

My own feelings of inadequacy have often held me back. I’m not a risk taker and I fear rejection. I’ve always done what I thought was the “right” thing, choosing the path that I thought would make others happy but I didn’t really take the time to determine what it was that I wanted. It just never occurred to me that I could make something with my words.

I started to see the Bliss buzz again this year and I allowed myself to entertain the idea of going. My blog actually has readers, and it’s more than just my mum! I’ve had mothers of babies with health issues reach out to me and thank me for putting to words their pain. That means I’m touching someone out there. That is more than I ever expected when I started this venture. My goal was to let go of my hurt which I did but along the way I seemed to have helped others deal with their own pains.

I began to analyze my reasons for not attending Blissdom and I realized that it all boiled down to one thing: fear. Once I realized that fear was holding me back I knew this was something I had to do.

My biggest wish for my children is that they follow their passion. That they end up doing something with their lives that they love and that brings them happiness. I don’t want them to avoid any path because they are afraid. How am I ever going to teach them this if I am too scared to walk my own bliss?

Last night my 5 year old exclaimed “I’m the best artist!” as he finished his masterpiece. When did I lose that confidence? It feels much better to trust myself rather than rely on others to determine my own worth. So I’m trusting myself. I know deep inside that Blissdom is a wonderful opportunity for me and I am beyond excited to be a part of it! My children have inspired me to take a step out of my comfort zone. I hope that by taking my own risks I can teach my children to push their doubts aside and follow their desires. If they always listen to their heart and give it their all I know they will be successful.

“You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So…get on your way!” Dr. Seuss