It’s 10:42 on a Friday night. It doesn’t feel like all that long ago when my Friday nights would be just beginning. I would probably have just left the house, all decked out and ready to go.
That was then and this is now. Now I’m ready for bed. I’m yawning and rubbing my eyes in my fleecy pj bottoms. Mr. C so kindly took the opportunity for an early night and is sleeping with the kids. We still haven’t been able to get Ms. J to sleep on her own for long periods of time but we are working on it so he’s on baby duty right now. I really should be hitting the sack since too Ms. J or Mr. T will be up at the crack of dawn ready to go but I just watched a movie that has touched me and made me want to write so here I am.
I apologize in advance if I ramble or don’t make much sense but I am tired.
The movie I watched was a tale of 3 mothers all touched by adoption. One who gave her baby up for adoption at age 14, one who was adopted and another who was trying to adopt. It has made me reflect a little on my journey to motherhood. It was my reminder of the joys of family life.
Growing up when asked “what do you want to be when you grow up” my answer constantly changed. I went through phases, a vet, a marine biologist, a translator, a lawyer. I think even now that I am grown up I still am not 100% sure what I want to be. The only thing that I always wanted without a doubt was to be a mum.
I think that I took for granted that I would be able to have children. I just always assumed when the time was right I would have kids of my own. I used to even tell myself that if, by age 30, I hadn’t found the right man to settle down with I would just have children on my own. This news didn’t impress my Dad too much but I thought oh well, I want children more than I want anything else in life and it is one dream that I will not compromise on. I didn’t want to run the risk of waiting too long and then have difficulty conceiving, this is where the magic age of 30 came into play.
Luckily, at the ripe ol age of 25 I met my man. One of the biggest reasons I chose Mr. C was because I knew that above all else he would be a good father to my children. I had a great Dad. I had the kind of Dad who worked night shift to provide for his family. He came to my dance recitals and baseball games. He was a little wary of any boys I brought home yet cried when I got married. I wanted that for my children. I wanted a Dad who didn’t just love his kids but who was going to be involved in their lives. Who would make them pancakes on a Sunday morning and would take them to the park. I found that in Mr. C. For all of his faults he is a wonderful father.
We were so blessed that we never had any difficulty getting pregnant. We got pregnant with Mr. T within a month of trying. When we were ready to start trying again we got pregnant again within a month of trying. Sadly I suffered a miscarriage 6 weeks into that pregnancy. Within a few months we were pregnant again with Ms. J.
I look back at all of those professions that I dreamed of when I was a kid and realize that nothing is more important than the job of being a mum. There is not one job out there that can measure up to this. Nothing is more difficult yet reaps so many rewards. Not one job out there has more of an impact. Nothing can make you feel like more of a failure and like more of a superwoman in the same day! I have only been in the position of mummy for 2.5 years today and so far there have been a few times that I think maybe I’m not cut out for this. But the joys outweigh the difficulties a billion to one so I keep on trucking.
Watching this movie and seeing what some women go through to have babies I thought to myself I am truly one of the luckiest women out there. What did I do to deserve these two amazing, beautiful children?
The thing is sometimes it is frustrating. Sometimes when Ms. J won’t sleep and I haven’t had more than 2 minutes to myself in the past 4 days. When Mr. T is demanding to wear his Wiggles T-shirt yet I know that it’s in the wash and because of this I am minutes away from a major meltdown. The phone is ringing, my hair needs to be dried and I have dinner in the oven that is 45 seconds away from being burnt fish instead of broiled fish.
This has been what it has felt like the past few weeks. I know that I have been taking my frustrations out on my family. I have been letting out big sighs when Mr. T. asks me for the millionth time to change the movie. Stomping my feet when Ms. J. screams bloody murder the second I am out of her line of vision and snipping at Mr. C. when he talked so loudly on the phone that he woke Ms. J up 20 minutes after I finally got her down on her own. After a few weeks of this I have felt like I am just treading water, trying desperately to keep my head above.
It seems like this movie came along at the exact moment I needed it. To remind me that these aren’t irritations in my life. They are blessings. They are treasures. These moments are going to zoom by and before you know it my little babies won’t be little babies anymore. I want to relish every moment of it. 6 months of Ms. J’s life has already flown by! She isn’t a newborn anymore and she never will be a newborn again. Mr. T is heading into the tail end of toddlerhood and I am so going to miss his toddler self when he’s a big boy. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
At the end of my days I will not look back and wish my house was cleaner or that I worked more hours. I won’t wish that my boss liked me more or that I was able to drive a nicer car. Those things don’t matter. What matters is cuddling my little babies as much as I can. Even when it’s hard. I want to play with my kids for as long as it makes them happy. I will colour and play cars with Mr. T as much as he wants. I will jump Miss J up and down on my lap until the cows come home, if it means I get to hear her little giggle more often. I will relish in the fact that I am lucky enough to have the best job around. I’m a mummy. I am a mummy who is so proud of her family and I want them to be just as proud of me.
In fact now that I have rambled and not made much sense I am going to go up there and snuggle my little munchkins, who are probably all in my bed! I will try to squeeze myself into the little space that might be left in our nice king size bed and will happily sleep all night on my side with my two beautiful blessings tucked up beside me…that is until Ms. J cries and wakes Mr. T. and we have to somehow get them into their own beds without world war 3 breaking out 🙂
I think that I can now start fresh. Sometimes we all need a little nudge, a little reminder that life isn’t as tough as we’re making it out to be. THis was my reminder. My life is wonderful and really pretty easy! Yes I’ve had a rough couple of weeks but it could have been sooo much rougher. So tomorrow I will wake up feeling lucky to be a mummy to my two beautiful angels.